Title: Remembering Mom
Author: Tels
Fandom: Stargate SG1
Pairing: Jacob/Sam/Mark
Rating: PG13
Word count: 866
Prompt: #85 She
Notes: poem is one I wrote way back in 1985! Yeah I am that old. :P And this fic was suggested by Audrey.
Remembering Mom
By Tels
Jacob stood silently with his children, a well folded piece of paper in his hand. It was yellowed with age. He ran his fingers over it. He'd carried it with him for almost 20 years now and now he was here he wasn't sure if she'd like it. In fact he wasn't sure he was doing the right thing at all.
Mark looked at Jacob. “She'll like it Dad,” he said as if he knew what his father was thinking. “She never held it against you the way we did.” He felt bad about that now, the fact he had grown up hating his father and blaming him for her death.
“You were right to do so… if I hadn't put work first… If I had picked her up like I said I would do and not been late, then she…” Jacob struggled with the words, feeling Selmak hug him tightly within him. “Then she'd still be here.”
“You can't guarantee that Dad,” Sam said quietly. “But Mark's right… we should remember her today, not blame ourselves for what we did or didn't do these past 20 years.” Sam paused. “She had the most amazing smile. No matter how bad her day she'd always greet us with a smile when we got in.”
Mark nodded. “And have cold milk and fresh baked cookies waiting too. I remember once she hadn't had time to make them. She was more upset than we were.”
Jacob nodded. “She cried herself to sleep that night. She was convinced she had let you both down.”
Sam shook her head. “She could never do that. No matter what she did.” She looked down at the headstone. “Twenty years… and I still miss her.” Her eyes filled, tears falling softly.
Mark put an arm round his sister. He could remember doing so 20 years ago too. Standing in almost the exact same spot, hating his father and wishing they were burying him instead of her. That was the real reason he hadn't gone to the hospital when they called him to say he had cancer and was dying. He was pleased. Then when he'd gone into remission thanks to Dr Selmak he was furious. The damn SOB couldn't even die could he? He'd killed Mom and didn't even have the decency to die himself.
Jacob looked down at the grave. The same emotions filled him as they had that rainy day so many years ago. When he had stood here, surrounded by his friends and her family, each blaming him for her death, the same way his children did, the same he blamed himself. For twenty years he had blamed himself and stopped himself from loving anyone apart from his children.
Selmak hugged him. She had persuaded him to mend the fences with his son and to finally allow himself to live again. She knew he had a ways to go yet but coming here today was the first step on that long road. He had to say goodbye before he could move on. She'd emphasised that didn't mean forgetting. She likened it to blending. She was now one with Jacob but that didn't mean she forgot Saroosh or any of her previous hosts.
Mark looked at his father and held out a hand to him. They had come a long way since Jacob had come to see him that rainy day five years ago. Both he and Sam knew how important this was to him and that he was going to need both of them to get through it.
Jacob took a deep breath. The red roses he had brought rested against the headstone. Tears filled his eyes. <I can't do this> he whispered to Selmak. He glanced up suddenly seeing Mark's hand outstretched towards him. He reached out and took it, feeling Sam putting an arm round him too.
For a while the three of them stood there, united in grief like they should have been so many years ago, mourning her as she would have wanted.
Mark squeezed his father's hand. “Read her your poem Dad,” he managed, his voice cracking.
Jacob shook out the paper, although he knew the poem off by heart. His voice wobbled as he spoke and his tears fell unchecked.
“It's been a year since we parted,
A year since you left
A long year of loneliness
As my love lay shattered.
When you left me last May you took part of me with you
I shed many a tear over you.
The times we had shared
And those that are not ours to share.
Why did you have to go when we were so close?
I love you so much, and my love still goes on
Forever and always I will love you;
Even though I know you won't love me in return.
I came to see you this morning
You didn't know I was there.
You lay there so cold and so silent
The grass growing softly over your grave”.
He folded the paper. “I'm sorry Alison,” he whispered. “So many things went wrong because I was late that day… but things are better now. We're stronger than we have been for years.”
© Tels July 18 th 2006.