Usual Disclaimers – not mine and never will be, I just borrow them occasionally.

Plot -The Goa'uld decide that Earth is over-represented in the Miss Universe contest and decide to send in an entrant. As do the Tok'ra and Jaffa .

Author – Tels

Miss Universe

Jack read the transmission again. "You are kidding right?" he said.

Daniel shook his head. "Nope. I translated it twice. Want me to do it again?"

"If you don't mind."

Daniel exhaled loudly and took the paper back off of Jack. Perching on the edge of his desk he translated it again. "No difference," he said.

Jack sighed. "Then we have a problem," he said. "How did they hear about this anyway?" He stood up and started pacing the room. "And more importantly, do I grant this request or demand or whatever it is and what will they do if I don't?"

Daniel spread his hands. "Worst case scenario?" He paused. "They invade and take part anyway."

Jack looked at him. "Not if I can help it."

Sam stuck her head round the door. "We got the message, what's up?"

"Miss Universe," Jack told her.

Teal'c followed Sam into the office. "That is one of your planet's beauty pageants is it not?"

Jack shot him a weird look. "And you know this how?" he asked.

"Daniel Jackson showed me on the television. It makes fascinating viewing. Some of the outfits are most interesting."

Sam looked at Daniel. "You showed him??"

Daniel grinned sheepishly. "You know how it is. 600 channels and nothing worth watching."

"And 80 women in swimsuits had nothing to do with it?" Sam said.

"No," the three men answered together.

Sam rolled her eyes. "Men! It's nothing but an excuse to get women to degrade themselves on TV. And you three see nothing wrong in this?"

"No," the three men answered together.

"Yeah and I'm the Queen of Sheba."

Jack looked her up and down and then at Daniel. "How about Miss SGC?" he asked.

Sam looked daggers at him. "WHAT???"

Daniel looked at Jack. "Makes sense. That way we have our own representative there."

Sam looked at him, "WHAT???" she asked again.

Jack took a deep breath. "The Goa'uld have heard about the Miss Universe contest next month and think it's over represented by us and want to add a contestant."

Sam laughed slightly in disbelief. "They what?"

Jack handed her the translation.

Sam read it. "Okay they do. So what do we do now?"

Jack shrugged. "Let them come I suppose. I'll ring the organisers; say we have a couple of late entrants."

Teal'c spoke up. "O'Neill if you let the Goa'uld enter, then what of our other allies?"

"I'm sorry?" Jack said.

"If the Goa'uld are allowed to enter, then what of the Tok'ra, Nox and Tollan."

Daniel looked at him. "He has a point. There are also representatives from the Land of Light and ...."

"Okay!" Jack said. "Let me contact the organisers and see what I can do."

“Wait a minute!” Sam said. “Miss SGC???”

“Yeah,” Jack said, “We need someone on the inside with them. I'm too old, Teal'c is more Mr Universe than Miss and Danny just doesn't have the figure for it.” He grinned at the other men. “So that leaves you. All in favour of seeing Sam in a swimsuit on TV vote now.”

All hands in the room and control room shot up. Laughing Jack said “Motion carried. You can go shopping for your gown and swimsuit tomorrow. The budget will pay. Oh and go easy on the national costume.”

Sam glared at him. <National costume?? How about dress uniform Sir?> she thought. She would get her own back if it was the last thing she did.

--- --- ---- -----

Five weeks later a very nervous General Jack O'Neill stood in front of the Stargate in his dress uniform. He tugged his jacket down.

“You look fine Sir,” Sam told him. “And Dad will be here to help.”

Jack shot her a look. “Yeah.” He tugged his jacket down again. “The sooner this is over, the better.”

The gate opened and SG9 came through, escorting the representatives from the Tok'ra, Jaffa and the Goa'uld. The other planets had declined the invitation Jack greeted each as they were introduced to him, each lady accompanied by a male escort.

Jacob greeted him warmly. “You sure you know what you're doing?” he asked.

Jack looked at him. “Yeah sure.” He rolled his eyes slightly and then turned to the woman at Jacob's side. “Anise…”

“General O'Neill. It is good to see you again.”

“Likewise.” Jack moved on and smiled at the woman by Teal'c's side. “Ishta,” he said.

“General,” Ishta said inclining her head. “At first when Teal'c mentioned this contest I found it abhorrent. But the more I thought about it, the more I wished the women of your world to see what a proper woman can achieve.”

“You go girl!” Sam muttered.

Jack hid his smile and turned to the last couple. “Lord Baal and Lady Osiris,” he said. “But I thought Osiris was male.”

“But my host is not,” Osiris said.

“Isn't that cheating?” Jack asked.

Baal shot him a withering look. “No more so than holding a Miss Universe contest just for the women of your planet,” he said dryly.

Jack returned the look. “The contest wasn't my idea so don't go blaming us. I pulled strings to get you guys in. The president pulled strings too.”

Ishta looked at him. “You have a puppet government?” she asked,

Jack laughed. “In a manner of speaking. Now if you would all like to follow me to your quarters. I can't disable the security cameras but they are there for your protection as much as ours. As are your armed escorts. Please do not go anywhere without them.”

Jacob caught Sam's arm. “What's this I hear about you being Miss SGC?”

Sam sighed. “Yeah got roped into it. Still I have a plan.”

Jacob smiled. “You wouldn't be my daughter if you didn't.”

--- --- ----

The day of the contest dawned. Three limos arrived at Cheyenne Mountain , one for each of the contestants and their escorts. Sam had packed her outfits into the holdall, her ball gown still in its protective covering from the shop. She had chosen Daniel as her escort; Jack was going to be there anyway. She was more nervous than she was going to let on. Especially when it came to the national costume. She really didn't know what their reaction was going to be but too bad.

Backstage was chaotic. Especially when Baal decided not to leave Osiris because Ishta had insisted on keeping her staff weapon as part of her national dress. Osiris then insisted the ribbon device was part of hers and things nearly got nasty. Eventually Sam promised that nothing would happen and he agreed to go and join the rest of the men out the front. They had been given a table near the stage front and an uneasy silence ensued and a judges vote each. Neither Jacob nor Baal was entirely comfortable with the other being there. Jack tried making small talk but gave up.

The house lights went down and the contest got underway. The off world entrants had changed, the first was national dress. They watched Sam dress in amusement.

“You are kidding?” Miss Australia said.

Sam shook her head. “No, this is what I wear to represent my country.” She looked down at her uniform then pulled on her cap. Okay the General would kill her for this but she was Miss SGC after all and her desert uniform had SGC written all over it.

Then one of the security guards came over. “Time to go,” he said. Of course the order had been argued over by Baal as well but he was finally convinced it was done in alphabetical order of country.

“Contestant number 15 – Miss Chulak.” Ishta moved onto the stage, her jaffa armour and weapons gaining more than one gasp from the audience. Most of them from the men. Her vital statistics were listed and she obediently marched to the end of the catwalk turned and marched back, every inch the warrior.

“Contestant number 27 – Miss Erebus.” Osiris, who had taken the name of Baal's planet because it came early on in the alphabet, swept onto the stage, dressed in a red and gold dress, with her ribbon device on her left hand. She walked slowly and regally down the catwalk, tossing her hair back over her shoulder. She fired wide confident smiles at the judges. Baal applauded wildly as she reached them and she gave him a beaming smile.

“Contestant number 52 Miss SGC.” Sam took a deep breath and started out. She could see the looks on her father's and Jack's faces as soon as she hit the catwalk. Amusement on Jacob's and horror on Jack's. She walked down the catwalk in her SGC desert uniform, hands in her pockets, moving her hips in a most unmilitary way. She grinned at her father and then gave Jack a mock salute.

“Contestant number 67 Miss Vorash.” Anise moved down the catwalk. She had watched all the others carefully and decided that the best way to do this was movingly. Unfortunately her Tok'ra uniform didn't exactly blend itself to that but she gave it a good attempt.

The next round, the swimsuit round had only half of the initial contestants in. Baal disagreed with the way the judges worked and felt he should have more than just the one vote and be able to vote for Osiris.

Ishta's swimsuit was way too revealing for her liking, despite the uniform she had worn in the first round. Pale brown in colour it matched her eyes. She moved down to the microphone and turned round for the judges. “My name is Ishta,” she said. “I am a leader of my nation and a warrior. I wish to protect the children and see free will and rights for all.”

Osiris swimsuit was barely there at all. A small tasteless white one piece she moved to the microphone. “My name is Osiris. I am a goddess and you will all become my slaves. I am interested in world domination.”

Jack rolled his eyes as she spoke. “Don't you guys take a day off?” he said.

Baal shook his head. “Why should we?” he asked.

Jack shook his head. “And on the seventh day He rested,” he muttered under his breath.

Baal just looked at him, then turned his attention back to the women on stage. “So many beautiful women,” he said, “Makes it impossible to choose.”

Sam came on in the camouflage swimsuit she had chosen. She was pleased to see Jack bury his hands in his head as he saw her and the huge grin on her Dad's face. What she didn't like was the way Baal looked her up and down. She got to the microphone. “Hi I'm Sam, I want to work with small children and animals and we need to save the planet as it's the only one in the universe with chocolate.”

“Not true,” Baal commented to Jacob. “General O'Neill, I think you should adopt that outfit as the one your teams wear.”

Jack chose not to answer.

Anise came on wearing a swimsuit only slightly worse than Osiris. Hers was black and she moved to the microphone. “My name is Anise,” she said. “And my ambition is to remove all false gods and that all people should be free.”

Once more the votes were counted to reduce the now 30 contestants down to 15 from which the final four would be chosen. Baal was getting slightly concerned as according to him, only the ugly women bar Osiris were left in the competition.

Jack was relieved to see that all 4 of them got through to the final 15. Although that might cause problems if… he broke off that thought. Would, Would most Definitely cause problems if one won and the others didn't. He looked up as Baal slid back into his seat. “Bribing the judges now are we?” he asked.

Baal just looked smug.

Jacob shook his head. “Did it work?”

Baal just looked smugger.

Then the contestants came back on. Ishta this time had chosen a gown of deep blue, with a high collar, split sleeves and with a full skirt that came just above her knees.

Osiris of course wore white, her long high necked, low cut trouser suits.

Sam couldn't hold back the smile as she saw Jack's reaction to her gown. He buried his face in his hands and then hit it hard on the table. Jacob shook his head slightly as if to say she had gone too far but still found it amusing. Her gown was v necked, long sleeved, full length and made from the blue and grey camouflage material. She had had it made especially for this.

Anise of course wore leather, fitted to the waist and then it fell to the floor in loose strips.

Jacob looked at her and rolled his eyes.

Baal grinned. He had no doubts as to how the contest would end.

Finally the judges handed in their votes and they were counted. But what Baal hadn't counted on was the votes of the TV viewers.

The drum roll began and the final 4 were announced in reverse order.

“4 th place – Miss Vorash.”

“Well done,” Osiris said. The others congratulated her too and Anise went out on stage to be given a tiara.

“3 rd place – Miss United Kingdom.”

“2 nd place and runner up – Miss Chulak.”

Ishta stood there backstage in shock.

Sam hugged her. “Well done!” she said. “Go on, they want you out front.”

Ishta walked still in shock onto the stage, a smile fixed on her face. She was given a tiara and stood next to the throne.

Teal'c smiled at her, while Jack, Daniel and Jacob applauded wildly.

Baal sat there. “Hmmmm,” was his only comment. He was still convinced he had this sewn up.

The drum roll and tension increased. “And the winner …. Miss Universe 2005 is…… Miss SGC!”

Jack, Jacob and Daniel looked at each other in initial shock then applauded wildly. Jacob had a severe lump in his throat.

Sam stood there; Shock just didn't describe how she felt. She had always despised women for crying when they won, yet here she was tears streaming down her face. The security man came over and guided her to the stage door. She moved automatically, smiling like she was told to.

A sash proclaiming Miss Universe 2005 was placed on her and a sceptre and orb given too her. Ishta hugged her then Sam sat on the throne still in a daze. The crown was placed on her head and the announcer proclaimed again that Miss SGC was Miss Universe.

Somehow Sam got to her feet and smile fixed on her face, tears pouring down her face she walked down the catwalk like they had been shown in rehearsal. She was aware of the guys at the end there, her father smiling proudly at her and Baal glowering.

Baal turned about to storm off and protest at how unfair this all was when Jack stopped him. “Hey there's always next year,” he told him.

Teal'c looked over. “Indeed. There is also the Mr Universe pageant. Perhaps you could enter that one yourself.”

Baal raised an eyebrow. “Now there's an idea.”

As soon as he could Jacob got back stage and swept Sam into a bear hug. “Congratulations Sammie,” he said. “Always knew you were the prettiest girl in the universe.” He kissed her cheek. “Now I have proof.”

She hugged him back. “Can't believe this is happening.”

“Oh believe it,” Jack said. “You'll be the base pin up for months. Just don't expect a pay rise.”

Teal'c hugged Ishta. “Congratulations to you.”

“Thank you. So what does being second entail?”

Sam looked at her. “If anything happens to me you get to take over the crown for the rest of the year.”

Ishta looked at her and smiled. “Then you are lucky that Osiris did not come second.”

Sam laughed. “Hey speaking of Osiris where did she and Baal go?”

“Bad losers,” Jack said. “They left.”

For the next week every time Sam appeared on the base the men would applaud and wolf whistle or whistle God save the Queen. Eventually the ribbing died down. Until the first mission she went on.

Daniel handed her her pack. “Ready Sam?” he asked.

Sam nodded and put the pack on.

Laughter erupted in the control room and even Jack had a smile on his face. He shook his head at Daniel who just shot him an innocent ‘who me?' look back.

The gate opened and Sam led her team through, still unaware that her Miss Universe sash was sewn to her backpack for the whole universe to see.

The End.

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