The 12 Days of Christmas – a cautionary tale proving it is better to give than to receive.
Not written by me. if you know who did email me and I'll add it in :)
1 day
My very dearest Algy,
How can I begin to thank you for your charming Christmas gift? What luxury - my very own pear tree with that dear little pheasant in it, or is it supposed to be a partridge? You really are a foolish boy. Actually the birdie isn't wildly attractive, but the pear tree should be lovely - when pears are in season again. Thank you my darling.
All my love for ever,
Your ownest affectionate Cynthia.
2 day
My dearest Algy,
You really are quite impossible my love. The turtle doves are adorable. They are already cooing away like anything. I must say their amorous behaviour leaves very little to the imagination, but I expect they will settle down in time.
Thank you my sweeting,
Affectionately yours Cynthia.
ps I almost forgot to thank you for the 2nd partridge and pear tree thing. It balances up the other side of the fireplace so nicely.
3 day
Dearest Algymen,
You know poppet, you are simply going too too far. Your latest gift has just been delivered. What an imaginative boy you are, to think of sending me something as unusual as 3 French hens. I'm only sorry I hadn't told you that I am allergic to eggs. Never mind, I can always sell some to the neighbours, who by the way, have been most entertained by the sight of the postman struggling along each morning with the pear trees.
Much love
Cynthia.
4 day
Dear Algymen.
I suppose it is silly of me but I am seriously beginning to wonder if you are trying to get me to start an aviary. Your 4 collie birds have just arrived, and could more aptly be described as calling birds since that is what they seem to do best. Perhaps you could let me know if collie birds are in the laying business or perhaps they are intended for human consumption. Mrs Beaton is I find, surprisingly silent on the matter. I can honestly say Algymen that I had always thought birds were rather pleasant little creatures - until you gave me this opportunity of observing them at such close quarters.
Love Cynthia.
ps I do hope you got a reasonable discount on all the
pear trees.
5 day
Algymen,
Thank you for your latest gift of 5 curtain rings. A somewhat curious gift, but never the less a refreshing change from all those very pretty but very noisy birds you will keep sending me. I doubt I would have bought so large a turkey for Christmas had I known what you had in mind. Could we ease up a bit on the fowl do you think?
Cordially Cynthia.
6 day
Dear Algymen Fotherington Smythe
I see we are back with the birds again! Your 6 geese a laying have just arrived and are happily doing so for all they are worth. I rather thought I'd mentioned how it was with me and eggs. Thank you for putting me right about the curtain rings - I never could tell the difference between brass and gold. Of course I am very pleased you should have thought to send me another 5, just so I have one for every finger. But as I have more hens, doves and partridges than I rightly know how to cope with and as they aren't too fussy about personal hygiene, I seldom seem to have my hands out of a bucket of water long enough to try them on!!
Yours Cynthia B.
7day
Dear Mr Fotherington Smythe,
I have just succeeded in accommodating your 7 swans a-swimming in my bath, which was no mean accomplishment when one considers the number of pear trees on the landing! Regrettably the geese got to the rings before I did, so that’s probably the last we've seen of them. Wish I could say the same for the geese!! I must now ask you to desist from sending me anymore of these well intentioned but slightly impracticable gifts.
Cynthia Bracegirdle.
ps I hadn't realised just how messy moulting partridges can be or how badly they seem to get on in captivity with other birds.
8 day
Mr Fotherington Smythe.
Fresh milk is one thing. 8 enormous Friesians in the drawing room is something else all together! True - the milk maids have a certain rustic charm, but you wouldn't believe how much they eat. You may also care to note that my bath has only so much room in it for swans with a seemingly insatiable urge to be a-swimming and it will definitely not take 14 of them. Take that from one who has tried!! Please call a halt to this absurd behaviour.
Miss Cynthia Bracegirdle.
9 day
Mr Smythe.
Thanks to your weird sense of humour my house is now in utter chaos. As if it wasn't bad enough having 16 cows producing milk by the gallon, we now have 9 ladies (as you amusingly call them), dancing here, there and everywhere. One of whom seems to be working out an extraordinary routine involving several doves and a goose. The most charitable view I can take of your actions is that you are out of your tiny mind. Enough's enough! Pack it in!!
Miss C Bracegirdle.
ps fortunately one of the partridges has just drowned itself in a bucket of milk.
10 day
Unspeakable wretch!
Your misguided generosity has now led you to suppose I could find some use for 10 lords a-leaping! They might lend a hand cleaning up all the rancid milk and bird lime, if they could only stop leaping around after the dancing girls for 5 minutes. I understand the entire neighbourhood is now up in arms about it and the residents association has sent a petition to the local member of parliament. Thumping on the front door at this precise moment are no less that 2 dozen representatives of various government bodies and from the societies for the
prevention of cruelty to hens, doves, geese, cows, partridges and for all I know pear trees!! And the bizarre interbreeding between the birds is to be the subject of an article by a leading ornithologist in next months Bird Monthly. The recent outbreaks of crop blight, fowl pest and foot and mouth disease have now reached epidemic
proportions; and if the antics I witnessed behind the pear trees this afternoon are anything to go by, several of the milkmaids should soon find themselves in what polite society calls 'an interesting condition'. For your information, I have now reached the end of my tether. Which is more than can be said for those
damn cows of yours!!!!!!!!!!!
C Bracegirdle (Miss)
11 day
INCREDULOUS TOAD!
Have you got even the remotest idea of what 11 pipers piping sounds like at 2am??!! Of course it only adds slightly to the hideous cacophony of noise I must now daily endure! I swear there is more mooing, cooing, honking, clucking and calling here than in the zoological gardens. If there is any room left I might seriously consider opening the place to the public.
Your latest shipment of lords, ladies and livestock is now settled into the furore. By the same post came a letter informing me of a visit the minister for agriculture, farming and fisheries intends to make later this afternoon. Supposing he can get in the door that is!! One good thing is that the latest influx of birds have put the cows off giving milk. I can hear them now; uprooting the trees in the orchard I once called a living room.
My landlord has taken out an eviction order against me, as he claims - somewhat surprisingly- that the terms of my lease do not cover utilisation of the premises as a menagerie, dancing school, small holding or annexe of the house of lords!!!
CB
ps please be advised that all future correspondence between us will be handled by my solicitors - Messer’s
Grabble, Twister and Fleeceham.
12 day
Grabble, Twister & Fleeceham
Chancery Chambers
Suit underwrit
off the Eastbourne Road
Sussex.
Dear Mr Smith,
RE: Miss Cynthia Bracegirdle - deceased.
We are the executors of the estate of the above name deceased and are writing to acknowledge receipt of your recent delivery of 12 drummers drumming. You will no doubt be distressed to learn that shortly after the arrival of these gentlemen that our client, in what can only be described as a deranged state of mind, travelled to Eastbourne and threw herself off the top of Beachy Head.
Before taking this step however, she left instructions for the adding of a codicil to her last will and testament under which you are the sole beneficiary and legatee. I am therefore arranging for the following items to be delivered to you later this day:
12 drummers drumming
22 pipers piping
30 lords a-leaping
36 ladies dancing
40 maids a-milking
42 swans a-swimming
42 geese a-laying
40 gold rings
36 collie birds
30 French hens
22 turtle doves
11 partridges with 12 accompanying pear trees.
With our sincere congratulations on your inheritance, and assuring you of our best attention at all times.
Yours faithfully,
Grabble, Twister & Fleeceham.